Adhavan (21): The Realization of the Self

Chapter 20: The Realization of the Self

Creations are for men, men are not for creations.

Translation

Hail the divinity, that filled the universe, as well as within

Hail the grace, of the omnipresent divinity

Hail the sun, the moon, the lamp, encircling the divine abode

Hail Agathiyan, the chanter of the pleasing tamil

Hail my guru, praised across, in all directions

Hail the lotus that appear from the flow, in the left, over the crown

Hail the lamp seated within, that appear in the flow of the source

Hail always the feet of the Guru, Siddhar Agathiyar

—Siddhar Thiruvalluvar’s Litany (Prayer)

Learn from mother nature, everything ever learnt was taught by the nature, the first and foremost teacher, irrefutably, has always been the all pervasive nature, in all aspects, in all matters, in fact, the truth is, it doesn’t even try to teach us, it presented us the universal facts, men gathered it, identified a pattern in it, learnt from it, to be more precise, taking a step forward, getting much closer to the truth, it actually didn’t even present us the facts, men looked for it, learnt from it, their learnings were mostly answers for their serious quests, which then, they taught one another, sometimes they didn’t even look for it, while doing a plain observation given with, while admiring the intrinsic beauty scattered across, they accidentally stepped upon greater truths, from as simple as making of a fire to as complex as performing a brain surgery, these knowledge and expertise, thus gained were passed on from one generation to another, unequivocally, so mankind sophisticated themselves from the abundance present in the nature, but the poignant truth is, the abundance can’t remain abundant forever, the focused swindling soon depreciated the vital resources of the nature, either they harnessed it, wasted them, or spent it lavishly on luxury, leaving behind a big void for the future generations, they, in turn, rather than filling the void, balancing the deprivation, exhausted what meager available resources were there, all these, reduced the quotient of the nature, sucked it of its vital life force, unable to contain their expeditions, they stretched it further, hunted incessantly for the new resources, when they found one, they ravaged on it; flourished on it; depleted it, what may, their hunger always remained insatiable, on the contrary, their expeditions always came up with the positive results, still, mother nature has untouched land; hidden troves of untampered resources, somewhere deep, in some remote part of this world, yet to be exploited, so these uncontrolled, selectively ignored, tamperings of the nature goes on and on, endlessly, if this scenario continues, one or the other day, the same mankind that thrived on its opulence, will die starving for it, the situation is not far away, it is fast approaching, wherein mankind will pay blood for food; stab for water; kill for air, these, they will do, not for their sophistication, not for their prosperity, not for their technological advancement, not for their wars, not for their pleasures, in the coming years, it will all zero down to 3 very basic needs of survival; air, water and food.

Adhavan sat very close to Macham, touched his toes, fondled it  softly, stroked his feet, let himself enjoy his closeness, he felt dizzy, his senses numbed, just moments before he came close to Macham, he had a thousand questions ramming his mind, at a speed faster than the light, but no sooner he sat next to Macham, all of them disappeared in a flash, he even tried to fish out, make up some new questions, but in vain, he oddly found a one, that is of any worth, owing to the propinquity with Macham, his mind very naturally calmed down, it stood almost still, all the questions in the world seem to be meaningless before the spirit nourishing, body rejuvenating, mind numbing, spiritual experience, he was going through, he enjoyed the flow that rose to the crown, fell softly along with each of his breath cycle, it gave him an extraordinary, unbearable pleasure, a very sensuous one, he internally quivered with long unending spasms of joy, his whole body was set ablaze with strong rhythmic gentle vibrations, he enjoyed all of it very much, soon, he felt a painful pleasure at the crown of his head, his mind was hooked to that blissful pain, his mind kept looking at it from inside, involuntarily, he immensely enjoyed every terrible moment of it, as time passed by, altogether, suddenly, a golden lamp left his body through an unseen aperture in the crown of his head, it majestically stood above it, on a whitish cloudy base, that very much resembled a lotus in full blossom, simultaneously, as though, a fine protective layer was torn apart in his ears, the whole world echoed; it booed; it sounded that one sound, that all pervasive oneness sound, “ommmmmmmmmm...”, before he had time to realize that it was the sound of the universe that he was listening to, that it is, the traceable, the seeable, the feelable, the genuine, finite god part, that he was looking at, the divine lamp re-entered his body, his heart pounded faster than before, his breath fell back into its long, repetitive cycles, typical of his breathing pattern, soon, everything seemed to look normal, or so called universally agreed normality, but in fact, is a deep confinement; an inescapable prison; a dark dungeon, that we have let ourselves live in, compromising our eternal happiness, for the sake of the transient, perishable mortal living. Gradually, the pleasurable, blissful vibrations that his body was going through subsided, knowing that it is over, his mind and heart ached for more of it, he sheepishly looked at Macham, smilingly, pleadingly, brimming with gratitude, Macham smiled back, when he smiled, his eyes smiled along with his thick, sensuous lips, the smile lingered for moments, more in his eyes, than in his lips. Though Adhavan had never asked for it, Macham had infused in him, the most sought out divine experience, the epitome of self realization, that which, he has been experiencing all these days, in full awareness, that which Adhavan realized much in full awareness too. Adhavan felt an unfathomable joy, an unexplainable freedom, he ached for more of it, like an innocent child, he requested plainly, “I want more.”

Siddhar Macham, smilingly replied, “How can I give something that you already have?”

Adhavan realized that he is being teased, pretended to feel angry, turned around his head, the other way, looked into the empty space, girlishly, half-heartedly, asked him, “What will I do after you leave us?”

Taken back by the question, Macham replied, “Listen to your heart, abide by it, live in tune with it, in complete harmony, one with nature; one with people; one with yourself; one with oneness...”

Adhavan turned around, massaging Macham’s feet, without looking up at his face, said in a coarse voice, “I want to meet siddhars, visit lots of places, spiritual hubs, temples, mountains, rivers, forests...”

Macham interrupted, replied, “Go ahead, You don’t have any commitments to hold yourself back. You are free, please go ahead.”

Adhavan remained quiet, none of Macham’s answers were satisfying, he wondered if he was asking the right questions, he grew serious, continued to massage his feet, out of bloom, the question he wanted to ask him, while he was talking about his final samadhi, appeared in his mind, he asked him straight, “After your final samadhi, should I leave Velir Thopu?”

Macham laughed at it, replied softly, “Whom am I to send you away from this place? If that is what you want, you can always leave, at any moment, even now, but don’t wilfully expect me to chase you away, so that you can put the blame on me.”

The answer shocked Adhavan a bit, he lifted his head, looked at Macham, he was still smiling at him, though it made Adhavan happy, the little stab of pain, the last reply gave him, ached a bit, reluctantly pushing it off, he very deeply pondered over his future, a momentary silence fell over them.

Macham understood his mind very well, in a deep tone, enjoying much the beauty, the nature has to offer that day, recited along with the rhythm of the all pervasive sound,

“Look at those beautiful flowers, look at their full bloom? Did it strain itself? Did it wreck over to attain that bloom? Did it even try? How naturally it happens? How softly, how gradually it opens up? Have you ever seen that blossoming moment? Have you ever seen them shedding all their petals together? Have you ever seen them wither away all their pollens the same moment? Can you tell me which pollen will be carried where? Can you trace each of those grains? Do they ever worry about where they will go, what they will do, how it will happen? If all those flowers have died, will not that plant bloom again? Will it even, care to worry losing all its flowers? Or will it go on, giving new flowers, without burdening itself? Will it not bloom again? How does this all happen? Can you tell me, which flower will decorate which women’s braid? Can you tell me exactly how many leaves fell today, till now? Can you tell me exactly how many more leaves will fall tonight? Can you tell how many new offshoots will sprout tomorrow? Can you tell me how many new buds will welcome the morning sun? Can you tell me how many stars will die tonight? Can you tell me how long each star will stay live? Can you count the number of living beings that are alive and those that are dead? Can you count the number of facets of nature? Do these various facets of nature, worry about what they will do for their future? Still, don’t they store food? Don’t they build shelter? Don’t they reproduce? Don’t they defend themselves? Human beings, a species, far more superior than all other living beings, can’t they live a sophisticated, comfortable, contented life, harmonious with the nature, taking in, whatever it has to offer, without ruining its peace; its balance; its evolution? Can they ever live together, without swindling the richness of their motherlands? Can’t human beings learn from nature? Can’t they live in peace, without killings? Can’t they go to bed without next day’s worries? Will they ever stop hoarding? Where does all their hard earned wealth would go, when their bodies rot in the burial grounds? Will they be able to take it along with them? What will happen to their much cared appearance; the gloss of their skin; the color of their flesh; the purity of their blood, whence they have been buried deep in the pit? How much gold, will they pay, to bring back their spirits? Can they raise the dead? Can they still foolishly argue about foolish things in the death bed? Can they still read their holy scriptures, practice their rituals, pray to their gods, in death? While living, did they accomplish everything that can be accomplished in this world? Can all of them live up to their dreams? Can all their desires be fulfilled? Will everything in life go as per one’s plan? If then, can I plan every moment of my life? Is it not absurd? Is it not impractical? Do you call this hell a living? Just to keep planning and dreaming and planning? Is it life? Are you actually living that moment? Are you actually living? Do you plan to live every moment of your life or do you always keep planning every moment of your life? What is life? Is it not living? Is it not living that moment? Isn’t every moment a precious one? What made you cross the river Nayili, step into the forbidden lands? Did you plan it? That night, did we plan our stay on the boulders? Did we plan to receive the blessings of our divine mother, Annai Anushya Devi? Did we plan any of it? Or did we plan all of it? Where does life fit in with the plans that we make? Is it for living every moment in harmony or is it for making plans over and again, wreck one’s mind, squeeze out every moment of one’s life? Weren’t these sophistications, means, comforts, inventions, advancements, discoveries, luxuries, pleasures, whatnot, are there to help us live in peace; in harmony; in joy? Are they doing it? Where did it all fail? Where did we fail? Why? Who? How? Is it the fault of the creators? Is it the fault of the creations? Is it the fault of the users? Aren’t all man made things, irrespective of it being a thing or a concept, aren’t they, for the well-being of mankind? Do they help them to live their lives fully, to their utmost satisfaction? Do they help them in their much needed self-realization and self-gratification? Do they actually help mankind live happily, with their family, with their neighbors, with their kins? Do they? Do they actually fulfill our purposes, our needs, or is it the other way around, have we been fulfilling their purposes, their needs? What is happening? Where is it all adding up to?”

After a pause, he continued with the same vigor,

“They fought, shed blood, tore apart one another, using whatever they have created, rather than living happily, harmoniously, one with nature. These advancements, new ideas, creations, inventions, can never be a fault, on their own, they are all there to help men, live comfortably, happily, in peace, but on the contrary, they are manipulated not only to steal nature, but rob fellow beings too, of their peace; their love; their happiness; including their lives too. How tragic it has become? What we invented, what we created, what we discovered, comes back at us like a boomerang, swindles us of the same, 1000 times more than what we have actually given forth? It all happened, when men started to give more importance to things, than fellow human beings, their environment, the other living beings, even the non-living, inanimate matters that are part of our mother nature. Things are for men, men are not for things, whatever might the thing be, it could be as small as a needle, as big as a palace, as advanced as the weaving machine, what is the use, if men don’t realize that they are not for things, rather, things are for them, else it is equivalent to saying, 'things shape and drive the lives of human beings'.”

He paused again for a moment, then continued,

“Over a period of time, men in pursuit, to fulfill their needs, have complicated their simple, pleasant, peaceful lives, with many thoughts; many things; many ideas; many beliefs, he, rather than using all what he had created, to live fully, let the creations ruin their lives, irrespective of it being splendid structures, precious carvings, genius inventions, impeccable treatises, exhaustive doctrines, beautiful ornaments, unblemished codes and laws, all such and many more, can be grouped under one roof, ‘The Creations’, those which are supposed to help him live a pleasant life, give him a sense of completeness, make him feel contented, help him attain the ultimate self realization, failed to do, what it was earlier obliged to do, because he literally started to live for his creations, not for himself, for which, he actually created things, during the course of time, he became obsessed with his petty possessions, started losing his heart to mere objective things, lost interest in the subjects,the human beings, for whom, these things were actually made for, and so, the men were forgotten over things; self realization over knowledge; love over pleasure; human excellence over inventions, it is we, who created such bloody materialistic world that seldom has space for human beings; their emotions; their needs; their carvings; their salvations.”

Macham stopped, let out a sigh, looked at Adhavan quizzically,

Adhavan exclaimed, “Great! You have asked all the questions that I wanted to ask you, you even did answer most of them, you are just incredible!”

Macham laughed at his response, questioned him, “Now you tell me, what are you going to do, after I leave Velir Thopu?”

Adhavan replied, “Live my heart out. Just be myself.”

Macham laughed, questioned again, “What is that you call ‘yourself’?”

Adhavan replied, “The golden lamp that I saw today, that burnt brightly, without wick; without oil; without a stand, over the crown of my head, beautifully, graciously, majestically.”

Macham laughed at his innocent childlike response, he said amicably,

“Only that is self realization, nothing else, not your dreams, not the insights of your previous births, not your visions, not your deeds, not your achievements, not your knowledge, not your education, not your trade, not your name, not your community, not your father, not your mother, not your birth, not your guru, not your gods, nothing, nothing else, nothing other than seeing the divine lamp in full awareness is the mark of true self realization...”

Both of them laughing together, slowly, stretched their backs flat on the veranda, let themselves drift into a deep slumber.

The sun has set, the moon was clearly visible against the dark clouds, Macham and Adhavan were still asleep. Sarutha, Killivalavan, Poncetuceni, Muthupandian and Balaraman, sat all around them, waited earnestly, none of them had a heart to disturb them, rather, they continued to wait in silence, patiently, for them to wake up on their own, Macham, as though, well aware of their presence all around, woke up in a sprung, knowingly sacrificed his sleep, not wanting them to wait for such a poor, old, wretched man, attended to them diligently, without disturbing Adhavan, letting him continue his deep slumber, even their conversations were ushers and whispers, trying to soothe Adhavan into a much deeper sleep, rather than waking him up, in the middle of his peaceful slumber. Sarutha, broke the silence, requested Macham,

“Shall we send off Killivalavan along with Poncetuceni, they would like to leave tonight?”

Macham looked at Killivalavan, waved at him to come forward, he came close, knelt down, placed both his open palms firmly on the ground, bowed to his father, his forehead touched the ground, his palms were neatly placed on either side of his head, at an equal distance, in a straight line, Macham touched his spine, rubbed it hard, back and forth, for few a times, Killivalavan’s body grew firm, a hot flow rushed up through his spine, placing his palms intact, firm, slowly, gracefully, he pulled his body backwards, allowing a little stretch, he remained in that position for a few moments, then, slowly pulled in his palms, placed it over his thighs, knelt down, let his buttocks rest neatly over his heels, the top of his feet bent, squared, pressed hard against the hard floor, cupped the whole of his body weight at ease.

Macham then asked him, “Are you willing to go?”

Killivalavan replied, “Yes Appa.”

Macham then looked at Poncetuceni, replied firmly, “Yes, you can take him along with you, he is ready.”

Then Sarutha intervened, requested Macham, “Can he come home on every full moon day, help us during the celebrations, stay here, at home, for a day or two?”

Macham earnestly looked at Poncetuceni, he understood the situation well, he replied,

“Of course, he can, if time permits, I too would like to join him, willingly.”

He then hesitated for a moment, continued,

“Occasionally, we may come across a few unavoidable situations, which might hold him back, but I can assure you, very rarely they would happen, other than that, everything seems to be fine, of course, he has a lot to learn, I will teach him how to be a leader, I will make him a one, a real great one, indeed, I see in him, the qualities of an exemplary leader, he has that in him, either he is with me or not, he is set to become a leader, I can promise you both that.”

Then he knowingly looked at Sarutha, looked into her eyes, said with a deep conviction,

“If God permits, I will make sure, he gets whatever that has been violently taken away from you, If possible, I will make sure, he takes revenge on all who betrayed you, for the deep misery that has befallen you, let him erase all the stains laid upon you, let him be given the honor that actually belonged to you. I pray that it all happens, sooner the better...”

Those understanding words really moved Sarutha, tears rolled down her eyes, wiping it off, she said,

“Let my past not bring misery to him, I have had a beautiful second life, the most fulfilling one, more than I could have ever asked for, hence I am not much interested in having my vengeance, rather, I would want him to be a good leader, a man of his people, if God permits, let him end the wars, let him bring peace, let him brighten the future of his people, let him bring joy to their faces, let him bring love to all their grief-stricken hearts.”

She paused for a moment, then said, “What else I would ask for?”

Poncetuceni affirmatively replied,

“That is what our people need very much, that is what our land too needs, let the gods bless our real good intentions, let it bring truth to the limelight.”

They both smiled together, a sign of mutual understanding.

Macham intervened, he talked, it was almost a recital,

“Let things take its natural course, don’t force it on him, if it’s the divine will, who might dare stop him, but on the first hand, if he is going to be a leader, he must be pure in his heart, he must not have any premeditated reasons, he must not be tainted with kinship, he must not be standing by any specific sectarian belief, he must not have any vengeance in his heart, he must not be sympathizing over his personal tragedies, he must not be grudging over his fellow competitors, if so, these factors would allure him to make biased decisions; that would let himself deviate from the needs of the situations; that would make him put himself first, than his own people, whereby, he will use his authority to achieve his personal needs, prioritize his personal goals over the social needs, hence a leader should not have any personalized goals, his only aim, should be the welfare of his people, that is the sacrifice a leader has to make in becoming a leader, to be honest, the moment his goal becomes, ‘becoming a leader’, that immediate moment, he simply ceases to be a good leader, because he is under the pressure of becoming something he is naively not, it becomes a deadly fight, every moment, every day, his mind is on it, whatever he comes across, whatever is thrown at him, he sees at them with a hidden perception, so his mind is always chained to the thought fragment, ‘becoming a leader’, his mind isn’t free anymore, he becomes blind to the broader, open vision, wherein, a good leader, would really capitalize on it, see ways to use it for the betterment of his own people, whereas, the ones under the pressure of becoming a leader, would use the opportunity to either push themselves up the ladder or use it as a weapon against their fellow competitors; politicize the situations; manipulate it to their selfish needs, now, if I throw him into the situation, where he has to lead, he won’t know how to lead, rather, he would find someone with whom he can compete with, with whom he can fight and win, even if someone is not out there to compete with him, he would grab someone by his neck force him to fight with himself till his last breath, he has to kill, he has to keep killing, that precisely is a typical, mindset of a warrior, it is the warrior’s unwritten code of law, they need to keep winning, to keep scoring, rather, leaders lead, they don’t try to lead, they don’t try to win, they don’t try to outwit, they don’t try to compete with one another, they simply lead, so as you said before, teach him to lead, for which, he first needs to shed his warrior skin, the most difficult part, the most tiring one, in fact, the most elusive one, wherein, he needs to put in a lot of effort, deliberately, knowingly, to erase the identity that he has created for himself, that he his recognized by, that is where all his hard work should go into, the ultimate annihilation of his ego; the headstrong, the repulsive, the disgusting, the self-inflicted pride, then, let him see the world in its truest form, see it absolutely naked, behind its various colors, behind its various hidden metaphors, let him see it fully, through his own absolute nakedness, if he is able to see things as they are, in such total nakedness, then his mind is totally pure, this inherent purity is the most vital part, it gives birth to the free mind, when the mind is free, the inherent goodness just starts flowing through him, it’s what we call, the divinity in action, thus, the actions, that flows out of the inherent purity; the inherent free mind; the inherent genuine goodness; the inherent divinity, is the most essential, the most needed facet of a good, noble leader.”

Poncetuceni humbly said, “Yes, Master. I do agree with you.”

Bemused Killivalavan kept staring at his father, he admired him, he continued to stare at him for a much longer time, astonished at the level of his in depth wisdom, that very naturally flows out of him, remarkably, on any subject, on any matters, on any principles.

Macham looked at Killivalavan, lovingly said,

“Go! Pack your things. Leave. It’s a long way, a very long one, with a lot of unexpected turns and twists. Keep going. You have the blessings of my Guru.”

He went in, Sarutha went inside along with him, the daughters joined him, though they knew it would be good for him, they were still sad, knowing that he will be leaving them soon, with a bit of melancholy hanging in the air, they slowly helped him pack up his things, soon he came out, with triplets shining all over his body, his shining dark brown stallion was standing majestically in front of the hut, nearby Poncetuceni’s horse, lit well by the moon, ready for a different world, different kinds of people, different expectations. After he neatly balanced the load on either side of the horse, he looked at Adhavan, he was still asleep, Macham understood Killivalavan’s hesitation to wake him up, he turned around, gazed at Adhavan, the very next moment, he woke up, looked at everyone around, on seeing Killi’s horse loaded with things, he understood, that he was ready to leave, he smiled at him from his heart, there wasn’t any talking, there wasn’t any need for it.

Sensing the time has come to bid adieu, Poncetuceni prostrated before Macham, got his blessing, wished everyone there, moved to his horse, Killivalavan followed him, in a split second, they both were on top of it, only at that point Killivalavan realized that his men weren’t there, startled, he enquired Poncetuceni, “Where are your men?”

Looking at a far, distant place, smilingly, he replied, “They are with Poncetuceni.”

Killivalavan was obviously shocked, their horses walked slowly, Poncetuceni continued to smile, still looking at some far away distant place. There, back at the veranda, tears rolled down Sarutha’s eyes, her daughters clung to her tight, their minds literally pulled him back, abruptly, Killivalavan turned around, smilingly, waved at all of them, their hearts melted, they stood still, watched him leave, both their horses slowly disappeared into the darkness, yet their voices reached the hut in low whispers, it soothed their sad hearts.

After a reluctant pause, Poncetuceni continued,

“And that is how we spread messages, so as to keep my whereabouts always a secret, else by the time we reach our senai, without soldiers around, we both would be nothing but corpses.”

Killivalavan asked him, “Why all of them?”

Poncetuceni replied,

“No, I split them into two groups, one I have sent to spy on Nedunenkilli, another back to our senai, spreading around words, that I am going along with them, that for sure will provide us a safe passage.”

Intrigued, Killivalavan further questioned, “Why should we spy on my brother?”

Poncetuceni replied patiently,

“Firstly, there are no brothers when it comes to hierarchy, secondly, today is a very bad day for him, he has been humiliated, very badly, that too, in front of his family, by his own father, in addition, my sheer presence, would have been a great blow to him, me being the root cause of all these problems, sitting there calmly, being closer to his father, listening to his words, when he is out there, straining every rack in his brain, doing whatever I have bid him to do... won’t it make any sane man go mad, won’t it, won’t you? So what do you expect a deeply troubled man to do, that too with lot of power, with a bit of extra brain, Uhhh? Land himself into greater troubles, create a bigger misery, not only for him, but for all of us, including you, won’t he? So as to stop him, from making any such silly, unscrupulous mistakes, that he himself will feel guilty on later stages, I have sent a group of our men, to spy on him, save him from committing any such foolish mistakes, that he himself would later repent on; that would land all of us in deep troubles, that would be of assistance if the situation calls for, so that all of us are safe and secure.”

Killivalavan as though agreeing to it said, “So spying is not only for enemies, it’s for our own people too?”

Poncetuceni smiled at his reply, corrected him,

“Spying is basically for our people, on our people, by our people, matters leak out only through intimate circles, so what is the use of spying on our enemies, when the source of the information is our own people, I agree, we do spy on our enemies, occasionally, that too, only when we need to collect information on them and we do that in a very professional manner, without brushing the wrong side, else, that in itself can trigger a war, in my perspective, all the wars are unwanted ones, utter nonsense, whatever logic we may add to it, I see them as an unavoidable nonsense and I despise them a lot, so we mostly avoid spying on our enemies, that too in their land. Next, in the case of our enemies who have lost the wars, we draft regulations and put them into practice, so spying there, is almost a routine checking of compliances against the drafted regulations, and you know, these things keep evolving as time goes by, as per the needs of the situations, what may, the core of spying, in good sense, is to avoid wars, killings, what else it is for?.”

After a momentary pause, Poncetuceni continued,

“One more thing, we are not going straight to the senai, am taking you to a new place, where we might spend half-a-day with a nice, gentle family, then we will be on our way back to our senai.”

Killivalavan was obviously surprised at number of twists in the plans that are not actually twists, rather, part and parcel of very natural flow of events, he humbly replied, “Yes sir, am with you.”

After that, a deep silence fell over both of them, even their horses stopped for a moment, Poncetuceni raised his head, looked up at the bright moon, racing through the dark clouds, suddenly as though possessed by a god, like a thunder, he said aloud, “Let’s go.”

They rode together, faster than the lightnings, their horses literally speared through the thick veil of the unending darkness, Poncetuceni seemed to know the route by his heart, he rushed through the chill wind, apparently, he loved riding during the nights, under the cool shades of the moon. There in the east, near the outskirts of the eastern vendhars kingdom, Nedunenkilli was approached by two men, with long spears, thick beards, stern eyes, apparently, must be guards of a local chieftain.

 (To be continued...)

Written on Dates: 08/22-08/26

About Adhavan

Chapter 01 The Realization of the Vocation

Chapter 02 The First Glimpse of the Third Eye

Chapter 03 The Complete Surrender

Chapter 04 The Sacredness of the Divine Incarnation

Chapter 05 The Veneration of a Guru

Chapter 06 The Immortality

Chapter 07 The Art of Dying

Chapter 08 The Good Cause

Chapter 09 The First Dissemination

Chapter 10 The One behind the Spiritual Transformation
Chapter 11 The Smothering of the Class Distinctions

Chapter 12 The Insight of the Divine Lamp
Chapter 13 The Great Four

Chapter 14 The Final Samadhi
Chapter 15 The Blossoming Love
Chapter 16 The Divine Intervention
Chapter 17 The Second Dissemination

Chapter 18 The Fusion and Beyond
Chapter 19 The Rise of an Internal Conflict

Adhavan (20): The Rise of an Internal Conflict

Chapter 19: The Rise of an Internal Conflict

External conflict is a painting of the internal conflict.

Translation

We will lift the eight mountains, throw it out like a ball

We will drink all seven seas, then belch

We will measure the immeasurable sand

Oh snake! Arise, dance before the lord.

—Siddhar Pampatti Hymn (028)

The scorching sun has to scorch, the chilling moon has to chill, the ripping tide has to rip, the nature has to go on, create itself endlessly, unbound; flow without barriers, uninterrupted; if for a moment, just for a moment, if it ceases to act; disobeys the universal laws; fails to meet his commitments; sticks to its personal obsessions; severs the natural bonds; recesses on its own will; resigns purposefully, creates unimaginable chaos; bigger disruptions; unexpected adversities; leading to greater calamities, either it be nature, or it be life, it is one and the same, for those who don’t abide by the divine norms; the universal laws, that which governs all ethics and morality, that not subjected to, or driven by prejudices, heaped upon by man-made discriminations, borne out of color, creed, gender, knowledge, wisdom, education, race, skill, economy, disability, etc., reap in abundance, massive destructions; thrashing defeats; unbearable losses; suicidal adversities, laid upon them hard and crude; not only on them, as well as, inevitably, unquestionably, it stretches out and sweeps all those who depend on them, whoever clung to them physically; emotionally; mentally, thus the whole of mankind is, unknowingly, unintentionally, undeservedly, pulled into it, smashed, squeezed, ripped, over and again, mercilessly, by the unending cycles of causes and effects, even such small failures in simple acts, like being on time, speaking the truth, caring for one’s emotions, performing one’s duty, patience towards dear and near ones, handling down bad temper and impatience, paying respect to one’s privacy, respecting one’s personal beliefs without discriminations, not only inundates into greater calamity, but storms down ferociously, unheedingly, into destructive bigger waves, such as mighty tsunamis, that could even wash out the whole of the human race, if not stopped, before it starts, the flow of events would not only be inexorable, but be continuous, such is the power of the neglects, the deviations, the perversions, each individual living and dead, can have over the divine norms, that which, would lead to the total eradication of morality and ethics, wheresoever place it hides, whomsoever heart it thrives, it will be uprooted and killed, in the flick of a moment, unobtrusively, unheedingly, totally, fully by the association of the good hearts.

No sooner Killivalavan drew himself closer to Nedunenkilli, a gloominess fell over the gathering, an unacceptable silence brooded over everyone's face, the furrows on their forehead deepened further, increased much their worries and anxieties, a perceptible silence engulfed the Maiam, tightened its hold, strangled the trouble brewers, suffocated the meager few, stranded by the occasion, captivated the hearts and minds of the larger many, strewn around by the same occasion, rapidly, a well noticeable change took over Macham, his body grew stiff, a sort of impenetrable hardness crept upon him, the place grew hot, sweltering heat smothered their lungs, sweat rolled down the faces, few of them wiped off their sweat drops, trickling profusely down their foreheads, others let the sizzling heat wash their bodies with their own steaming sweat, Macham’s whole body was set ablaze, it not only effused light, it emanated heat, an unbearable sweltering heat, his body looked red hot, tense, wrought, highly tempered, though he retained his composure, a sense of wrath about to erupt was clearly visible in his forged form and semblance, that evoked deep fear, earnest respect and greater caution, softly murmuring “Om Nama Sivayyyyha” he closed his eyes, his mind halted the same moment, his breathing stopped, his heart ceased to pulsate, everything paused for a moment, from a short distance, he looked alike a burning Panchaloha statue of a siddhar, posed well in a siddhasana, the very split second, he closed his eyes, a mild shivering took over Killivalavan, Nedunenkilli and all of his armed men, slowly the intensity increased, the convulsions shook their whole body spasmically, their arms trembled so fast, that they could hardly hold on to their weapons straight, the shuddering grew further, much further, stronger, at one point, magically, the bows held by Nedunenkilli’s men broke exactly at its center, startled, the shivering men, unable to withhold their shaking arms, rushed towards Nedunenkilli, stood helplessly behind him, with their legs trembling faster than their hearts, seeking a safe haven, still the shuddering rammed their strong bodies, unable to withstand it any further, they looked pleadingly at Macham, threw themselves onto the grounds, sobbed like kids, who lost their way in the middle of a deep, dark forest, what may, the shuddering continued, it grew so much, it made both Nedunenkilli and Killivalavan drop their weapons too, still they were hard on their feet, they stood fixed in their positions, their adamancy knew no limits, they stood firm to their grounds, as though, their standoff was the only way to express their commitment towards their causes; their standpoints; their dignities; their lives, there was much further increase in the tremblings, their whole bodies jolted with heavy convulsions, it grew further, it shook uncontrollably fast, they were thrown to their feet by the supernatural divine force, they quivered terribly under heavy, deadly spasms, they finally yielded, in fact, they were forced to yield, they were forced to forgo their standoff, by the time, the words have spread around, Sarutha and her daughters came running towards the Maiam, looking at the pathetic situation that has befallen both her sons, gasping for breath, she fell a few feet before Siddhar Macham, requesting him to withhold him from lashing out the divine wrath, moved by Sarutha’s pleading, Macham yielded, slowly, very slowly he opened his eyes, the shivering subsided, slowly the sweltering heat eased, a cool breeze caressed the deep furrows of their scorched faces. Both the brothers, though they didn’t realize the level of irrevocable mistakes they have committed, realized the ultimate stupidity they have thrown themselves into, willingly succumbed to the current situation, jointly stepped forward towards Siddhar Macham, sat by his side, in complete reverence, soon Poncetuceni and Adhavan closed around them, along with Muthupandian. Nedunenkilli’s men sat behind the pack, the daughters tried to help Sarutha onto her feet, left without a clue on what had happened, they struggled to find their place in the current turmoil, involuntarily they sat nearby the elderly local women, listening to their version of the recent happenings.

Nedunenkilli broke the silence rather than raising his concern, he put forth a formal petition,

“Please handover Muthupandian to me, he is an outlaw, a fugitive of the state, a much hunted one, condemned to be executed mercilessly at mere sight of him, for the perilous deeds done to our people; our security; our integrity, my order is such that, no sooner I spot him, I am to exterminate him..”

Macham responded softly,

“When you say ‘our people’, do you mean your soldiers, who were killed in the war fighting against him?”

Nedunenkilli felt a hot spear literally spike through his heart, the words spoken by his father almost killed him, he least expected this reply, pondered over a bit, reluctantly muttered,

“Yes, my soldiers are my people, every moment this renegade is alive, he is a dangerous threat to all of us, for the time we spend sabotaging his plans, kill his people, dip ourselves in a pool of their blood, I would forcefully take his life, let hundreds and thousands of his own people live without shedding blood.”

Muthupandian responded furiously, he would have pounced on him, if not for the public gathering he was in,

“So that they can be your slaves, fall to your feet, worship you as lords, for that, my people would prefer being dead, that same moment, that very moment, with all glory and honor.”

Macham looked sternly at Muthupandian for interfering in the discussion that he was not supposed to enter, for talking when he was not supposed to talk, for indulging when he was not supposed to indulge, Nedunenkilli took this chance, tried to provoke him further, politicizing the scene, hastily replied,

“What do you want me to do with such barbaric, uncivilized, brute? How can I leave my mother, my sisters, my brothers, my people, to such a blood thirsty, fanatic?”

Before Muthupandian had time to respond, Macham raised his left hand, stopped him from making any further stupid emotional statements, then he slowly studied Nedunenkilli, found a faint trail of a malicious smile, closing at the thin edges of his thin lips, he drawing a sadistic pleasure in provoking Muthupandian became conspicuous, it lingered in Macham’s mind, he probed further, entered the minds of both Muthupandian and Nedunenkilli, simultaneously. Again an uncomfortable silence fell over the gathering, the heavy silence grew unbearably thick, Macham continued to remain silent, Nedunenkilli unable to read through his father’s mind, with growing impatience lurking behind, threatening to burst out at any given moment, made his earnest second plea, clear and sound, hiding his agitation, well behind his courteous nature,

“He is a convicted war criminal, has strong intentions to raise an army of his own, for which we have a greater amount of proofs, on various dealings he has made so far with various armbands, kings and royal commanders, principally he has almost approached all our arch enemies, his only zeal of his whole life, is to mercilessly crush the armies of our mighty eastern vendhars, nothing would soothe him, nothing, hence I humbly request you to hand him over to me, I will make sure that his death, is smooth, fast, painless...”

Macham replied humbly,

“My son, all true... well said, you have made your point, but still, he is doing the same to his people, the exact of what you are doing at your end, for your people, in fact, both of you are doing the same, for your land; for your country; for your people, in such case why should I allow one to kill the other?”

Nedunenkilli responded with a deadly rage, hidden well behind his thin artificial smile,

“Father it hurts me, when you compare the acts of a mindless deadly fugitive with courageous deeds of our men, solemnize his cruel acts with our men’s acts of valor... how can you do this to us, how can you compare his treachery with our loyalty, how? It hurts...”

Nedunenkilli paused for a moment. Macham took this time, intervened, replied softly,

“It is your perception that needs to change, as like your people, his people are mine too, I see god in each one of them, how will I then allow, both of you to tear apart one another into pieces.”

Baffled by his unpatriotic response, Nedunenkilli said,

“He is a criminal. He has killed our people. He still has the intentions to kill many more.... Then do you really expect me to leave him just like that. Can you prove to me that he is still innocent?”

Relaxed, at ease, Macham continued, “Did he steal our clothes?”

Nedunenkilli replied, “No”

Macham asked, “Did he steal our food?”

Nedunenkilli replied, “No”

Macham asked, “Did he misbehave with our women?”

Nedunenkilli replied, “No”

Macham asked, “Did he kill our civilians?”

Nedunenkilli replied,

“No! No! No! But he has literally killed thousands and thousands of our men, our soldiers, our people... our own people... by letting him live, I am allowing the death of thousands more.”

Macham replied,

“Are you talking about war ethics? Are we at war? At our place, at the gathering that has flocked around me, at Velir Thopu... Are we at war? There aren’t any wars going on here...any...isn’t it?”

Nedunenkilli made a counter argument,

“No, but the peace exists, because we exterminate such weeds, that kill our peace, that had killed our peace in the past, they are just to be uprooted, the same moment, the same instant they are spotted.”

Macham worried about not reaching a consensus agreement, the sensible strategical avoidance played by Nedunenkilli, while talking about the impact of the past crimes, that day’s problem, the present situations, were really annoying, his peculiar unending repetitive discussions about the supposed reasons and the causes attributed to the most probable deaths, in the most probable future war, seemed to be completely ridiculous, single pointed, non-negotiable, cyclic argument, it would be really meaningless, any further, even to make a small advance, a reasonable argument, in that direction, so as to avoid further conflicts, easing the deep furrows on his high forehead, after a very long time, Macham put it straight and hard,

“Firstly, I don’t agree to it. Secondly, Why did you bring your men, expose your arrogance, borne out of the high rank given to you in the army, that too before the civilians, especially over a man whom I have taken as my disciple? The matters should be discussed in privacy, civilians should not be affected by it, don’t you know that, weren’t you, the elite of the elite soldiers, taught the civilized way?”

Nedunenkilli was taken back by the response, the insult laid upon him and his men was severe and painful, more than that, his father never used to take disciples, he wasn’t in need of them, they were in need of him, even once, he has ignored him as well as his eldest brother, Kathirvalavan’s request, then how come, he chose one of the state’s arch enemy, as his disciple, clinging on to his last words, he kept repeatedly saying that to himself, over and again, “Disciple! Disciple! Disciple!”

Macham very well understood the thoughts racking Nedunenkilli’s troubled mind, his lame justifications based on innate patriotism, seemed to be meaningless, the intensity of his affection for his family; his people, is questionable too, what he feels for them is more a filial duty, a kinship, a family pride, than love, in the eyes of the Siddhars, in Siddhars Macham’s perspective, all people are kins, all lands are god’s land, they don’t have any prejudices, they don’t have any racial discriminations, that doesn’t mean, they don’t discern between good and bad, in fact, they very much segregate people based on their virtues and their inherent goodness, unable either to comprehend the universal brotherhood or sense the goodness in one’s heart, Nedunenkilli desperately tried to find a rationale behind his father’s unscrupulous act, taking a disciple from a different sect; a different land; a different blood.

Allowing some time for the thoughts to sink into him, Macham spoke very softly,

“If I give my word, an assurance that he will not participate in the wars against eastern vendhars, will you leave him without harming him?”

The words rather than pacifying him, literally killed Nedunenkilli, it threw him into darkness, a void, a deep abyss, more than the rationale behind it, he clung to his emotions, he wasn’t able to tolerate his father giving so much of importance to a renegade, everything seemed to fall apart. The ethics, the morality, he was so strongly grounded to, seemed to vanish right under his feet, disappear into thin air, he desperately tried to grab onto something strong, something that will tell him on his face, strongly, that he is righteous, that he is ethical, that he is rational, but he felt empty inside, blank, lonely, insecure. After a short pause, gathering back his senses, not knowing what to do, how to proceed further, how to think beyond the circle he has drawn around himself, like an adamant child, he obstinately circled around the same point again and again, blabbered loudly, unconvincingly,

“Dear pa, the war is over, we are not at war, we have won it, but it may very much happen again, he might be your disciple now, then he might join the war when it happens, so he is a wanted man by the army, who has trespassed our region, as per the King’s high command, he has to be killed that immediate moment he is found.”

Siddhar Macham found himself helpless, he could either infuse his thoughts into him, which would demean him from a standpoint of a rational human being into a lower level of an irrational being or take away the decision making responsibility from him, shoulder it on himself, making it easy, making it less burdensome, hence this time, rather than trying to explain to him patiently, he moved onto issuing commands, he ordered him sternly,

“If the war is over, then why are you waging a war again? Go tell your kings the war is over, no more blood sheds, and this is Velir Thopu, you know, you can’t wage a war here, without Velir Royals permission. Please leave now.”

Poncetuceni can’t help laughing at the wisdom in Siddhar Macham’s words, though he is a superior to Nedunenkilli, he laughed openly, that suited well his disposition, but obviously insulted the man caught in set of arguments that he doesn’t have a control over.

Nedunenkilli controlled his wrath, bit his lower lips, his face frowned heavily, he almost spat venom, said harshly,

“What may? The army will find a way to get to him soon.”

Saying that, he left at the same speed he came in, his men followed him, before he could alight his horse, he stopped for a moment, looked back sharply, into the beautiful dove shaped eyes of Poncetuceni, said loud and clear,

“Lord, Senathipathi Poncetuceni, as per your command, I have tracked the whereabouts of our land's most wanted fugitive, Muthupandian, but I have failed in capturing him alive or dead, as he his being harbored under the guise of a disciple by your guru, Siddhar Macham at Velir Thopu. Will present a formal report of our endeavors, at your court, in the presence of your men.”

Except Macham, everyone's face turned towards Poncetuceni, he took that very lightly, looked at Killivalavan, requested him earnestly,

“Never I have seen such men of great loyalty, this day, right in presence of your own father, you have raised your sword against your own brother, you have stood by your commitments, you have shown us an act of unsurpassable fidelity, that by, you stand a feet high above the rest, I very humbly bow to you, please do accept my reverence, I see in you the quality that I need the most, an unfailing trust, that you very genuinely posses, and so, in the presence of Siddhar Macham, I offer you a place to my right, please do take it, I will train you to be my man, next in the line.”

Killivalavan looked at his mother, she was speechless, then he looked at his father, he nodded humbly, he looked at Adhavan, he smiled softly, he looked at Muthupandian and Balaraman, tears rolled down their eyes, he looked deep into the eyes of Poncetuceni, it almost gave him a shudder, he then softly said,

“Yes. I will. I will stand by you. I will give my life for you. I place it as a gift upon your feet, for the deep trust you have placed in me.”

Thus on that day, the most unexpected pact was made between two great, rich, souls, prone to last as many lives as they would take together, the pact will remain the same, its a forever relationship that will flourish, keep blossoming in their each and every birth, untampered.

Then Siddhar Macham easing his forehead, looked at Muthupandian and asked, will you also take a vow,

With the tears welling down in his eyes, Muthupandian replied honestly, “Yes Master.”

Siddhar Macham replied softly,

“Don’t leave Velir Thopu for the next 12 Years and don’t partake in any war during that period, you have many more years left in you, you will outlive most of us here, let your soul find some peace in the coming years.”

Without hesitation, he said, “Yes Master. I will. I give my word. I take this vow, let my divine mother Makali be a witness to it.”

Then after a few moments of deep contemplative silence, Muthupandian humbly requested, “I would very much like to meet my kins, can I send for a few of them.”

After a prolonged silence, Siddhar Macham looked above, at the sun, striding majestically right above his head, raised both his hands well above his head, bowed humbly, prayed for a moment, invoked his guru’s blessing, said softly, 

“Beyond our cattle filed, next to Rathinamozhian’s farm, you and your kins can toil the rough terrains that stretch till Pari Santhai, cultivate and live on it. In addition, you need to teach the young men of these tribes, few elite soldiers of the Velirs, our traditional martial art, adimurai and its various expressions, silambam, kuthu varsai, adi thadi, varma adi, vasi adi...”

He paused for a moment, then continued,

“More than all that, first go build a small abode near by your dwelling for your divine mother Makali, the one who has given you a second life, and a hut for yourself and Balaraman somewhere near by it.”

The whole gathering was filled with smiles, some even clapped, some whistled, they all became anxious, even Sarutha was up one her feet, jumping and shrieking, it was a joyous moment, a golden one, soon the gathering dispersed, everyone went to their homes with a light, joyful, happy, healthy heart.

Slowly Macham turned around to Poncetuceni, as Adhavan was helping him upon his feet, he whispered in a low coarse voice,

“Take care of Nedunenkilli, he seldom expresses his emotions straight, he controls it madly, in face of guarding his professional attire. He is no more a person you actually see on the outset, literally, he is fuming inside, he neither lets it out, nor pacifies it. Take care of him, let him rest for some time, his strenuous work has almost killed him, he is finding it very difficult to cope with the overwhelming pressure he is burdened with, I suppose he has been spending a lot of time behind his desk, put him in the war front, let him unfurl his repressed emotions, pour out his vengeance in the war field, that at least will do him some good... It’s better that a man earn 1 anna, sleep in peace, all throughout the night, somewhere in the remote corners of a cattle barn, along with goats and cows, be close to god, rather, earn 1000 annas a week, wreck his soul, mind and body, spend sleepless troubled nights, far away from god...”

With Macham leading the front, Poncetuceni to his left, Adhavan to his right, Muthupandian, Killivalavan, Balaraman, followed them religiously, they as a group moved, one in harmony, towards Macham’s hut.

Poncetuceni replied, “Yes Master, Will do.” He paused for a moment, then continued, “Can Killivalavan leave tonight, along with us?”

Macham laughed for a moment, said,

“After the birth of Mathivathani, I was let to wander around like a free man, she had brought with her my freedom, from that day, Sarutha had never questioned my whereabouts, I was allowed to go wherever I wanted to, I was allowed to stay as along as I liked to, I just went home whenever I felt like, to be more precise, very rarely, I spent time with my family, partook in its activities, as you all know, my time is nearing, I have started to spend most of my time in deep samadhis, sooner or later, I may leave completely, I may not return back to this perishable cell, made of flesh, blood and desires, Hence...I hardly knew who is doing what, regarding Killivalavan’s future, Sarutha is the right person you should talk to.”

Killivalavan intervened, “Appa can’t you outlive all of us? Can’t you be with us till we all perish? Can’t you buy some 100 more years? Can’t you...”

Macham interrupted, “Dear, I had enough, I have lived enough, more than enough...” he stopped for a moment, looked at Killivalavan quizzically, then resumed,

“Are these 436 years not enough? You must all bid me farewell, though I will leave my body I will still be with you, I will guard you over all evils, moreover, just because I can become an immortal, doesn’t mean I need to be a one, every fine happening has a reason to it, every single event is bound by the universal laws, there is a genuine rationale behind all of it, nothing eludes natural deterioration, immortality is a science not probed much in the right way, because, a very few knew where to start with it, how to go about it, as it is not a science that you do with a handful of powders and barrels of solutions, the ultimate immortality is a science of the body, the mind and the spirit, less trodden about; less attained; less taught around, seldom few have attained that state, a handful of countable ones, the likes of great four and a few of their disciples, though I possess it by the grace of my guru ,Siddhar Tiger Paws, I am no more interested in it, than him, rather, I would very much enjoy being with my father in heaven, one with him, always, forever. Though it might look selfish, I prefer to be one with god, the almighty, the parabrahmam, of course, I would need each one of your hearty approval, without which, my soul can’t leave this body, I sincerely believe, of all what you have given to me, that you will also grant me my last wish...without any grudges... send me off happily with an abundance of love and hearty wishes... I promise, I will continue to live in all your hearts, forever.”

A deep silence fell over the gathering, Adhavan’s mind raced with so many questions, he wanted to pour out, but kept them aside for private talks, soon the gathering approached Macham’s hut, after a hearty lunch, Sarutha and Poncetuceni discussed about Killivalavan’s future, they jointly steered the course of his life, Balaraman and Muthupandian went around looking for the spot they could raise a small temple for the divine goddess Makali. Sitting on the veranda, next to one another, looking out at the glistening pond, Adhavan along with Macham chewed betel leaves encompassed by nothing but deep silence, an unshakable stillness, slowly, a sense of intimacy grew strongly between them, they felt one, they felt loved, slowly, very slowly, Adhavan brought up the discussion.

 (To be continued...)

Written on Dates: 08/18-08/21

About Adhavan

Chapter 01 The Realization of the Vocation

Chapter 02 The First Glimpse of the Third Eye

Chapter 03 The Complete Surrender

Chapter 04 The Sacredness of the Divine Incarnation

Chapter 05 The Veneration of a Guru

Chapter 06 The Immortality

Chapter 07 The Art of Dying

Chapter 08 The Good Cause

Chapter 09 The First Dissemination

Chapter 10 The One behind the Spiritual Transformation
Chapter 11 The Smothering of the Class Distinctions

Chapter 12 The Insight of the Divine Lamp
Chapter 13 The Great Four

Chapter 14 The Final Samadhi
Chapter 15 The Blossoming Love
Chapter 16 The Divine Intervention
Chapter 17 The Second Dissemination

Chapter 18 The Fusion and Beyond